Ah breakups. What a topic. I put breakups in quotes because there are some relationships that don’t have a label so it’s technically not a breakup, but the relationship is gone so it counts in my book. I make the rules, not you. So here we go: 

The “I’m so happy _______ is out of my life” 

This is a classic. This is the one where they sit around with their gal pals with a box of Franzia and she talks about how she’s so much happier without you. Is there anything better than hearing that news? Newsflash: there isn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, there are times where losing a connection with someone completely really sucks. Maybe it’s an old gf that was real good in the sack that you don’t talk to anymore because you hit on her mom and her sister on the same night at a wild summer barbecue. Those are sad. But when you realize that you despise someone and you don’t give a what about what they say or think anymore, getting the “I’m so much happier now” is the sweet sound of victory.

Now you might be saying “woah Prent that doesn’t make sense. If they’re happier without you don’t you lose?” On the contrary my young grasshopper. This means you have won. Think about it. When someone is actually happy that y’all aren’t talkin anymore, would they still be flapping their gums about it? Would the still be posting articles under an assumed name about how much they hate you? Answer: no.

The “we’re still friends but it’s awkward”

This is the worst. This happens when the breakup wasn’t messy at all you just kind of drifted apart. No ill-will or anything like that, you just didn’t work out. No harm, no foul. Except for the fact that if you’ve done the horizontal hula it’s gonna be awkward for a while. That’s just bound to happen. It also gets weird when y’all start dating other people. Because if the friendship is still a thing, you’re gonna have to deal with the new guy/gal. Super awkward.

The “clearly still feelings there but we’re stubborn”

This is a sticky scenario. Who knows what happened to cause the split. It was probably some little fight that spiraled into a big one and there were things said that probably shouldn’t have and you break it off. Plot twist: y’all still love each other you’re just too stubborn to admit it. And because of said stubbornness, you probably won’t admit it even to yourself until you’re 45 yrs old drinking a whiskey on the rocks on your front porch reminiscing about the one that got away and it’s too late. That’ll rattle ya.

The clean break

This is the ideal breakup in my mind. You realize that it’s not a great match, so you go your separate ways. You don’t talk to them/about them or any of their friends ever again and after two years you randomly run in to them and vaguely remember how they look naked but not much else. That’s the dream. 

Obviously I know there are more scenarios than this but frankly I couldn’t think of any more and y’all shouldn’t have to read a damn dissertation when you click on Wood and Prent. Peace.